THE MONSTER IS COMING BACK. I CAN FEEL HIM. I DONT WANT TO GIVE IN AGAIN. BUT THE SILVER WARES TEMPT ME AND THE FIENDS ARE PRESSING AGAINST THEIR CAGES.
Sometimes I think
Where did all my scars go
Why did they all vanish
Healing and fading into my skin
All that’s left is a line or two
That I know will vanish soon
Is this all that’s left from all my pain
So small and so insignificant
Already gone, yet the pain remains
Its memory seared in my brain
I relive all my travesties over again
A line or two etched on my skin
It’s not enough
It can’t tell of all I went through
This can’t be it, this little mar
A false badge in my honor
I feel like I should be covered in them
I feel like they should still be bleeding
Welts barely forming
Skin torn and unrepaired
And so the temptation to try harder
Arises from my triumph
Maybe I can still make my badges
I can still show my strength
Etch the rightful scars
Etch the rightful tale
Yet I never find
Anymore than that line
Or maybe two
I feel so nostalgic, looking through old class pictures. For my playground love, forever and ever. Even though I haven’t seen him for more than a decade, I remember him from time to time, wondering where he is now, just out of curiosity. He is the first person to ever call me by nickname
Could’ve it been love
A budding, innocent romance
Those sweet tales of cootie kisses
And toddler soul mates
I smile as I remember
I remember those times
I see you smile, I hear your laugh
The senseless jokes we used to snort
How we played with glue
And those bouncing balls
Skipping rope and tearing dolls
We used to chase around asphalt rings
Talking in the lines, whispering kid things
Snails, butterflies, and Ms. Someone’s undies
Holding hands laced behind our backs
Following the leader up to our class
You had your special name for me
And I for you
That name will always be yours
Your were my friend, nothing more
Maybe I didn’t know it then
But maybe I was I love
Because to this day, I remember
Your name never lost to me
Looking so clean and fresh
Despite those locks and young mischief
Your eyes, maybe green or honey brown
Your smile, forever ingrained in my mind
But the last scene I see you in
Accompanied by the last ringing bell
And the scraping opening of the wire gate
I see other kids run
To their mommies and daddies
We laugh on more time
And share another moment
Then we start our goodbyes
We walk to opposite ends
Craning our neck as we wave
You sing your tune one last time
And I hear that name again
There is this great fear I hold deep within my heart, a fear I think many people my age share- the fear of not finding their Ithaca. (For those who aren’t familiar with the greater meaning of Ithaca, please read the poem by Cavafy. You won’t regret it.) I’m so scared of spending my life pursuing, fleeting, or always searching for that immense feeling of satisfaction that fits you just right. I want to find that happiness, those fine emotions that touch your soul. I want to find that happiness, that certain joy in yourself that can only be explained with “Just because…” At the end of my life, I want to find Ithaca poor with nothing to offer and I want to be satisfied with just that. At the end of my voyage there shouldn’t be any riches or treasures for me to find, Ithaca would always be Ithaca, a destination-the end.
I envy people with direction in their life. Those very lucky people who have already found their passion in life, the infallible obsession they find joy in. At the same time however, I admire those people too. I’ve come to look up to them. Often times I find myself sharing in their passion and zeal for their obsession, hopeful that it’s contagious. Whether it’s a friend immersed in the art of dance, a classmate set on filming the world, or a teacher living out their dream right before me, they are all inspirations to me- a pushing factor to get me to where I must be. For these people, I am thankful for. In their own right they have become my heroes, my guiding light.
Ithaca. I’m sure if I had to choose one thing that she has taught me, it would definitely be Ithaca. That word carries so much meaning that there is no way for me to explain it. Her passion for her Ithaca is so inspiring. You can truly see, feel her joy and happiness when she tells of those fine emotions. And as her former student, her words have truly found their ways into my heart, always echoing their message and hitting home. Reading her letters, her messages (that one note on obsession I found looking through notes on Facebook) never fails to set my heart on fire. I don’t think I idolize her or put her on a pedestal. She is simply my hero in the sense that she has journeyed her way to Ithaca in the way I hope to travel mine. She saw her Ithaca far off into the distance and spear headed her way to her home but never once unappreciative of her journey. And though she has found her Ithaca, being a teacher, she still thirsts for more. In that landing on the shores of Ithaca she has set sail again, knowing that there’s greater destinations that her dreams will bring her. (I hope if you’re reading this Ms. Lacdao, you do know I will be forever embarrassed if you let me know you’ve read this. So please don’t let me know. Thank you!)
Strength. In my eyes there is no one stronger than my mom. Of course her strength is not physical because that would make her ‘power’ finite. Her strength lies in her soul, her faith, her bravado, her way of life. Ever since I was little I knew there was something special about my mom-probably every five year old girl shares my perspective on their moms. She had an extraordinary zeal about her, as if she was always fighting the tides of life. She stood firm and resilient. Early on, I knew my mother was a force to be reckoned with. However, it was only recently that I –my mom and I suppose our whole family realized how strong my mom was. It was a year ago that she began her fight with breast cancer. It takes a great, phenomenal woman to fight as courageously as she has. To endure such great pain, to know what her condition means and what it will bring her, how it will change her, without ever saying I give up. No I’m not saying that my mom’s pain is far greater than anyone else’s or her fight is more worthy, that would be a great injustice to the world. But she’s my mom, and in my life she’s the strength. She fights on every day, not always winning the fight but overcoming the battle. I always tell her how strong she is, only to have tell me “I just believe in God. My God is strong.” She firmly believes that her having cancer has a greater purpose, a greater meaning that just having cancer. Though that greater purpose is unknown to her, she does not doubt it. I know every mom must guide their children through life, but I believe my mom is paving my path to God. I don’t tell her so, but if she has that greater purpose in fighting cancer, that’s her purpose with me.
Any help?
Even after all this time, I still cant escape you
I cringe at your name, shameful for what I feel
My heart clenches and aches, my senses reel
My entire being starts to shake and quiver
In pain and agony, my soul suffers
Yet I search for your face, your name your voice
I smile when I see you
Though I know you’ve moved on
I stare long and hard
Praying somehow you’d hear my pleas
To ease this ache and come talk to me
I want to hear your words
Your voice of velvet rope
I want to see your face and take my hold
When a face so kin to yours crosses my path
I curse the thoughts that pass my mind
The same thoughts that fuel my choice
I flirt with the guy whose smiles just like you
I see your hair, your height your olive skin
In strangers that stare, that touch, that closes by
Your smell lingers in the air
Your voice in songs I hear
You’ve become a part of my existence
And to you I’m nothing
It used to pulse through me
An energy of light
Brightening my way
Guiding me through night
Its magical censures
Awakened my soul
I glided through frames
And gushed out words
So brilliant, so light
A world of the beautiful
I could paint like a master
And dance gracefully
Be an entire being
So in touch with Infinity
My fingers would disobey logic
And I create a world of words
Symphonies and orchestras
Sing to my own birth
It came with ease
A silent spectacle
But I’ve grown old
My magic has grown weary
Tired and unused
A ballerina stumbles
Black streaks and crimson
Jet across linen hands
I writhe and ache
I yell and cry
I’m losing who I am
To someone I’ve tried
I feel it in my head
It makes me want to tear my hair out
All my thoughts, all this thinking is swelling
At the brink of an explosion
I want to cry,
Cause maybe then all of this poison inside me
Will coming gushing out
I want a release
From all these thoughts
From all these things I feel
I just want to let go
I want to scream
I want to lie down and feel nothing
I want to be happy
I want to be free
Free from all these restraints
All these people around me
Limiting me, stopping me
Not letting me be
Writing used to be an escape
But these thoughts go far too fast to write
All these emotions flow right out
I cant control it anymore
I want to tell everyone what a nuicsance they are
That they’re the ones causing problems
They’re the cause of my despair
Crying makes me feel weak
But its sometimes the only way
Only way for my heart to release
All this pain, all the poison within me
Art cant hold it anymore
It used to make it go away
But now it just focuses it, bottles it away
My art saves my pain
Puts it in a jar, and stores is somewhere else
By luck I might forget it
But fate life reminds me everyday
I don’t want to go crazy
I don’t want to lose my mind
I don’t want to hurt anyone else
But I don’t know what to do with me
These thoughts and feelings are tearing me apart
God, I need your strength
God I need Your Way out
I’m getting tired
And insanity is a brink to freedom
Bleeding weakens the heart
And worldly venom can take the poison
After watching Eat.Pray.Love this is what I wrote. There is so much in that movie I can write about. So many moments that inspire me. So many truths I’ve learned. All in good time I suppose. But this is what the movie leaves me.
There are moments in your life
A pleasure this world indulges you with
A mere moment, a rare moment
Where your heart feels calm
When it’s easy to breath
When everything is simple and easy
Everything is clear
Let yourself be, be in that moment
Everything else can wait
Feel your chest heave, in and out
Fill your lungs with air
Feel every breath you take
Take everything in and let it be
The world does not need to stop
Don’t expect it to do so
Let the world move around you
Feel every movement, every change, every being
Then let it pass, the stillness is with you
Don’t wait for the world to go silent
The world knows no silence
So listen to every voice and every sound
Then let it go
Find the peace within you
Let the world be
Let it teach you life
You just need to breathe
In,
Out-
In,
Out-
Just for this moment, breathe
Let it be heavy and full
Let it calm you
So easily- in,out
Be free of your mind
Let thoughts come and go
Let them pass to leave
Find your center
And let it be
Just breathe
